aware of the place you're in

you may say or believe that all the things in the universe are happening by chance.

for example, having a girl or a boy.

they say it is determined by chance.

on some parts of chromosomes the cross-over happens and maybe it is the cause of it.

or the taste of an apple of a tree in a garden in a country in a town or countryside to be something between very sweet and very sour!

extremely chancy, huh?

no one can predict the taste of an apple even with the help of AI or ML or anything else.

it's impossible.

when something is impossible to predict, we have learned to say it happens by chance.

do you accept it?

almost less than 1 in a billion can be predicted therefore shall we say God plays dice in the universe?

regardless of my opinion on this, the thing I like to say is that I do not want to live an accidental life.

I do not want my life to happen; even if every other thing in the universe is accidental.

I can't let go of it. no, never.

because I do not agree with the idea that God plays dice.

rather every thing is on its orbit and has causes on and receives effects from numberless particles.

just be aware of your being.

I love to be arrested

The only place in the world I have ever loved to be is the pro-Palestinian campaigns at universities in the US.

Bring as many policemen as it takes to carry me since I would never back off.

اگه میشد خوب بود

?any other direction

For so long I have been thinking about getting a phd and now that I have applied to some universities I weirdly do not pursue it anymore!

You may not believe that it's been quite a while that I've got answer from UMass Amherst but I haven't checked it yet!!!

Not even checking the answer to my application is what? Weird? Stupid?

Who the heck am I?!

Where am I?

What am I thinking?!

Am I thinking at all?

I don't wanna do a phd anymore, but why? why? After these many years!!!

I just know I should have a problem!

از اولشم من بازنده بودم

همیشه پی بهانه باشید برای بهتر شدن.

هر اتفاقی افتاد خواه خوشایند خواه بدآیند دستاویزی حسابش کنید برای بهتر شدن.

am I alright

the problems I faced during these millenniums of my life were thought to strengthen me; I used to believe.

but, did they? 

really?

or just the opposite?!

or had both effects?

you know, I see a lot of people from regular people to scientist talk about some problems in a person's life which affect their life seriously.

when I take a look at my life I see it has been fraught with such problems but I cannot detect any harm as their consequences.

does it mean that I didn't get hurt by such problems or I was hurt so badly that I could not even diagnose the effects?

desperate and adrift but still hopeful

"a leaf does not fall except he knows" says God in Quran, Anam-59.

you may not believe this; no argue.

just for the heck of it lets assume that it is right.

doesn't it mean that such a seeming ruddy absurd insignificant occurrence (falling a leaf) matters to God?

and if you agree with this, you may wanna think about your totally meaningless bits of acts!!!

why???

because, when the universe's teeny tiny automatic things matter to God it means that these are affecting the universe, in one way or another, even if their effect is microscopic it matters to God! never forget that the ocean is just a pile of microscopic molecules, which is in turn a generous bed for a myriad kinds of species.

therefore, your even negligible acts affect the universe in much much larger scale than falling a leaf, since they are issued from the God's surrogate on the earth.

NOW, we can talk about my dilemma;

what should  be the kind of work/job/profession/occupation I do in my life?