از اولشم من بازنده بودم

همیشه پی بهانه باشید برای بهتر شدن.

هر اتفاقی افتاد خواه خوشایند خواه بدآیند دستاویزی حسابش کنید برای بهتر شدن.

am I alright

the problems I faced during these millenniums of my life were thought to strengthen me; I used to believe.

but, did they? 

really?

or just the opposite?!

or had both effects?

you know, I see a lot of people from regular people to scientist talk about some problems in a person's life which affect their life seriously.

when I take a look at my life I see it has been fraught with such problems but I cannot detect any harm as their consequences.

does it mean that I didn't get hurt by such problems or I was hurt so badly that I could not even diagnose the effects?

desperate and adrift but still hopeful

"a leaf does not fall except he knows" says God in Quran, Anam-59.

you may not believe this; no argue.

just for the heck of it lets assume that it is right.

doesn't it mean that such a seeming ruddy absurd insignificant occurrence (falling a leaf) matters to God?

and if you agree with this, you may wanna think about your totally meaningless bits of acts!!!

why???

because, when the universe's teeny tiny automatic things matter to God it means that these are affecting the universe, in one way or another, even if their effect is microscopic it matters to God! never forget that the ocean is just a pile of microscopic molecules, which is in turn a generous bed for a myriad kinds of species.

therefore, your even negligible acts affect the universe in much much larger scale than falling a leaf, since they are issued from the God's surrogate on the earth.

NOW, we can talk about my dilemma;

what should  be the kind of work/job/profession/occupation I do in my life?

نبندد مرا دست چرخ بلند

this and that

do you believe I have abandoned every thing, every single thing?

but for what?

I do not know!

they backed off

Didn't I say all the universe has been welded together and supports this system?

I saw it, though sometimes I faltered but there was no any tangible change.

However it's good. 

No, wait! It's excellent.

خمینی

Henry Kissinger:

"If we have a religious government, which is what Khomeini did, then they will rely on the power of fundamentalism to begin to be dominant in the Persian Gulf and to turn against Western materialism and to some extent communism."

Boy, oh boy; There is always one.

from 12 Angry Men 1957.

it's getting late

what would you do if you realize you have been under-effect by someone or something that has been a part of your life and now is a fiber of your being?

in 127 Hours the man gets rid of his own ruddy bloody hand. what would you do? you think you got the guts to do the must?

if it is in your brain forget it.

if it is in your heart put it out.

if it is in your body cut and throw it away.

where is it? huh?

honestly, I think this is the thing that drives me.

the thing that controls me, leads me, nourishes me and yet consumes me.

now I can see why Hafez always says pour me a drink.

پر کن پیاله را

repel reins

capitalism nurtures your desire for money to the point at which you willingly do everything in exchange for money.

and vice versa

you are the victor as long as you do not fear the truth.

where am I

I need myself.

سوگند به آغاز

کوه سینای من کجاست؟

lost in autumn

for the first time I'm looking for something which I should like.

time to experience the phrase saying "get down to the brass tacks".

it's unbelievable that I cannot find anything interesting!

am I crazy or really depressed?

here's the thing:

I need to find a professor whose research I like which means I'm interested to do research just like his/hers but I cannot find any area of research which I can pursue interesting!

that's my problem. my little tiny problem.

maybe it's time to change.

should I swerve into psychology direction? which I have a feeling for it.

or, it's just because of depression and when I start study and research in one of computer related fields all these dark atmosphere will be gone!

who knows?

do you think it's time to see a psychiatrist?