do not live the moment

add love to your toolbox continued;

are you an orbiter to love or truth?

never forget that 100 percent of in-any-way-pleasant things are hypnotizing you to finally fall asleep in the train (I suppose you know what train).

we are not followers of the ubiquitous motto "live the moment", since it wheedles you into getting deeply enmeshed in the quotidian life.

make sure it always reverberates in your head that we should navigate our own boat.

so, our motto must be "ride the moment" because you are the sailor (not the passenger) and you have got to be sharp, aware and vigilant.

مهارت زندگی

برای هر امری بیشتر تمرین کنی دفعه بعد بهتر انجامش میدی

وقتی توی یه کاری، یه برنامه‌ای، یه مسیری یا هدفی چیزی شکست میخوری اما دوباره آغاز میکنی

این شروع دوباره اگه تبدیل بشه به شروع‌های دوباره

مثل یک تمرین نتیجه میده

و دست آخر در «دوباره شروع کردن» ماهر میشی

این چیزیه که شاید از هر مهارت دیگه‌ای اهمیتش بیشتر باشه

چرا که 

-زندگی یک مسیر خطی نیست،

-اگرچه قرار نیست که در هر روز یک شکست رقم بخوره بهرحال احتمالش هست،

-و دست آخر اینکه، این یه قانونه که تعداد شکست‌ها به مراتب بیشتر از تعداد موفقیت‌هاست .

remember you are not blind

tell me what's the point and if there's a good one I will do it.

you will find me neutral in judging if it is a good reason, that's my promise; 

since, I could not be honest with myself in any other way,

and, that's beyond redemption.

add love to your toolbox

love is insanity but should be directed and purposeful.

if you felt any kind of love which is not pointing at a goal be cautious it would be just insanity.

love is the only boon with which you can overcome the difficulties issued by the fear born and bred in reasoning and reflection.

honor it.

wield it.

then, slay it. if you don't, it will!

do not obey it!

do not commit yourself to it!

be ware, it is extremely deceptive, enchanting, dangerous and fatal.

ride it, then leave it behind.

remember, we surrender to the truth, not to love!

on your way home, love is the train so be careful not to fall asleep.

aware of the place you're in

you may say or believe that all the things in the universe are happening by chance.

for example, having a girl or a boy.

they say it is determined by chance.

on some parts of chromosomes cross-over happens, and maybe it is the cause of it.

or the taste of an apple of a tree in a garden in a country in a town or countryside to be something between very sweet and very sour!

extremely chancy, huh?

no one can predict the taste of an apple even with the help of AI or ML or anything else.

it's impossible.

when something is impossible to predict, we have learned to say it happens by chance.

do you accept it?

almost less than 1 in a billion can be predicted therefore shall we say God plays dice in the universe?

regardless of my opinion on this, the thing I like to say is that I do not want to live an accidental life.

I do not want my life to happen; even if every other thing in the universe is accidental.

I can't let go of it. no, never.

because I do not agree with the idea that God plays dice.

rather every thing is on its orbit and has causes on and receives effects from numberless particles.

just be aware of your being.

desperate and adrift but still hopeful

"a leaf does not fall except he knows" says God in Quran, Anam-59.

you may not believe this; no argue.

just for the heck of it lets assume that it is right.

doesn't it mean that such a seeming ruddy absurd insignificant occurrence (falling a leaf) matters to God?

and if you agree with this, you may wanna think about your totally meaningless bits of acts!!!

why???

because, when the universe's teeny tiny automatic things matter to God it means that these are affecting the universe, in one way or another, even if their effect is microscopic it matters to God! never forget that the ocean is just a pile of microscopic molecules, which is in turn a generous bed for a myriad kinds of species.

therefore, your even negligible acts affect the universe in much much larger scale than falling a leaf, since they are issued from the God's surrogate on the earth.

NOW, we can talk about my dilemma;

what should  be the kind of work/job/profession/occupation I do in my life?

it's getting late

what would you do if you realize you have been under-effect by someone or something that has been a part of your life and now is a fiber of your being?

in 127 Hours the man gets rid of his own ruddy bloody hand. what would you do? you think you got the guts to do the must?

if it is in your brain forget it.

if it is in your heart put it out.

if it is in your body cut and throw it away.

where is it? huh?

honestly, I think this is the thing that drives me.

the thing that controls me, leads me, nourishes me and yet consumes me.

now I can see why Hafez always says pour me a drink.

پر کن پیاله را

until the doomsday string me along

What is prettier than the sound of rain in the silence of night.

So, I am desperately in need of a myriad of problems

I hope to be successful in carving a white soul out of this serendipity that embodies me.

God helps who moves

مرا سفر به کجا می‌برد؟

کجا نشان قدم ناتمام خواهد ماند؟

و بند کفش به انگشت‌های نرم فراغت گشوده خواهد شد؟

One day I will be told your obligation is now satisfied,

This is inevitable.

BUT, will I be satisfied in that moment too?

Alas, this is not guaranteed!

Which makes me too restless and insecure.

How vulnerable I feel,

And concomitantly sanguine;

Because nothing is written,

And I am determined to write my own destine.

After taking TOEFL at-Home

First I went to a hotel to do this =) so for me it'd be at-hotel =))

Reading was almost as difficult as I expected and I got 29 out of 30.

BUT the listening. When I was practicing I realized that I have a serious problem in listening not only in English rather even in Persian! The fact is I do not listen at all =)) My mind wanders and does not stop and focus on the thing that my ears are receiving =)) So I got that my problem was not related to the ability of understanding English lectures or conversation; I'm not gonna brag but I have already finished Friends, after all!

The plan I had made was to train my brain to focus on the inputs receiving in my ears =)) After days of training I got that skill too ^_^

However, it was not enough; Why? Because you have to steel yourself for any unfairness to happen as they happened for me, unfortunately =|

The first conversation went well, and I was in the middle of the first lecture where the bumpkin proctor began to talk with me! Believe it? At first I thought I was wrong and it's an illusion but he kept interfering with the lecture! He was really an asinine goon. I yelled at him I am listening to the lecture why are you interfering... Said, tilt your screen, after taking about 20-30 seconds of the lecture. You guessed, huh? Yeah, I lost the track of the lecture and worse than that I lost my control over the test.

Look, a lecture has got 6 questions and you can not afford to lose more than one question of it which in my case I lost all of it and got 23 out of 30 in the listening section. While I was in a terrible situation the speaking section came to the screen without a minimum pause. I knew I had to focus so the only thing that I was thinking about was: hey focus; which in turn deteriorated my nervousness resulted in an unsatisfying reply to the first speaking question. After that I got myself and other things together and crushed the three remaining questions in the section.

Wish it was the only jinx but it turned out that he had to interfere once more. This time in the middle of listening to the lecture in writing section. You know you must listen to the lecturer and find his opinion about a passage and then write about their opinion showing how the lecturer refutes the passage. The lecturer was about to say his third reason against the passage that BANG again this stupid boy came to scene and mumbled something that I did not understand. You may know about them, they are commonly from India and their accent is not clear. However, this time I got my back up and told him you ruined my test. Again, he said tilt your screen and went. I do not know why he was so fixated on my screen's angle that when I'd change it for one-two degrees he'd get satisfied. To stop beating around the bush, I should say that after that happening I could not keep my shirt on any longer and uttered some f-words =)) while I could not do the task which had only 20 minutes. I was hitting to my head something that my grandma would do when she was in a disastrous state. I had lost the game! This was the only thought circulating in my head.  However, until I got myself together again, the timer was showing only 16 minutes. I said to myself I can do it even now that I did not hear what the lecturer said. Began to write. I crushed the two first arguments and for the third one I had about 7-8 minutes to think what might the professor had said. I thought just like Ikkyu-San =)) And came up with the answer that the professor should had said the subsidies do not have benefit for small farms because of blah blah blah. It was 3 minutes to finish that my screen went down! And I heard a voice, "hello". Oh My God! Not again! I said why are you doing this, why are interfering with my tasks, you ruined my test... But it was a native American not that proctor saying that you are talking to me right now and I am another guy. He said I heard some abusive language and it should not happen. I said that's because of blah blah blah and I am sorry. It's alright, said he. And tried to justify the accidents and other things. The result was that they allowed me to listen to the lecture once more time and they got me the same 3 minutes to finish the task.

I listened and enjoyed of the brightness of my reasoning since I had guessed correctly what the third argument could had been. I just added one more sentence and got over it. I wrote more than 250 words for that section, about 280 words in 16 minutes with all the nervousness and feelings of being aggrieved. Well done boy +_^

The last part was the easiest one and I wrote 187 words for it in 8 minutes.

I have already sent a complaining email to ETS about those unfair acts by the proctor hoping to revise my score in the listening section.

Infertility and decades of being the stroker on life's tandem - 1

Why do my efforts end in futility? Because the captain wants it, like Warden in Shawshank? Should I break the prison by myself disregarding what I have been respecting since I saw them for the first time?

I'm thinking about Iqbal who once had a dream in which he observes himself as a follower of Hegel where Rumi comes to his dream.

There are different stories about that dream, in some of them it is Shams that comes to his dream.

The one that I like is that, Iqbal sees himself to be captive of Hegel in his dream alongside all of the universe including the sun and  suddenly he sees a light rising from the east. The light gets closer and greater while Hegel becomes smaller until nothing can be seen because of the intensity of the light. When the light becomes close enough Iqbal realizes that the light is Shams! In that moment Hegel is disappeared. It's been said, after this dream Iqbal returns to the philosophy of east and becomes a follower of Shams and write this poem, to suggest that Hegel's philosophy is abortive despite its justifiability:

گر چه فکر بکر او پیرایه بندد چون عروس - ماکیان کز زور مستی خایه بندد بی خروس

That's poor Hegel in the dream is kind of like me =)) Yeah I am Hegel =))

Am I wrong in the base? Which makes my efforts so fruitless just like Hegel's philosophy?

If it's true, what should I do? More importantly what can I do? Change everything? every thing? Is it possible? More vital, is it reasonable?

I do not know what to do.

Just minutes after the GRE is over

After committing to verbal learning for a really great deal of time finally I got 148 out of 170 which is not satisfying, not at all!

I should say that it was very hard! I had done a lot of tests and read a lot of words but as you know it is a bad ass exam on your vocabulary and verbal skill.

I was holding the hope to get at least 150. However it is over.

The thing is that I had slept less than 6 hours last night and I could not get sleep today so I had a tired mind!

In the afternoon I tried to get sleep but I could not except for almost 20 minutes and then I jumped awakened.

Solving verbal questions needs true focus which I did not have, unfortunately due to lack of sleep. I could have been better than this if I had slept enough. But you know, it is about the rules of universe that sometimes you are not going to do well or do near your best.

In my case, I was far from my ideal status so I could not show my abilities and it is hard to get over it.

I had studied for the test and I deserved much more than this. It's not fair. not at all.

The quant section was as hard as it was expected so I managed to get 159 out of 170.

The only thing that I regret is the last question that I had solved to 99 percent of it and just when I reached the mouse to select the answer, which I am completely sure it was correct, my time was up and it stopped me from choosing the answer.

If it had allowed me to select the answer I would have gotten above 160. Oh GOD!

The answer was 15/58. How agonizing it is!

Waiting to get the analytical writing score that will be available in 8 days.

I thing I would get 3.5-4 out of 6.

The exam in this section is based on your reasoning ability, it is an essay which I am good at but in my native language.

In English I am good in some cases I do even better than in Persian but the problem is speed of writing the essay.

In Persian I write essays of 1000 words in less than 15 minutes but in English I can write essays of at most 500 words in 30 minutes.

And in the GRE exam, you got only 30 minutes which means I could write at my best about 500 words which I did, I guess.

Hope you fare well my friend; And you know who I mean. Be healthy, hopeful, positive and industrious that guarantee your success. Wish you your heart get more and more open and strong.