?any other direction

For so long I have been thinking about getting a phd and now that I have applied to some universities I weirdly do not pursue it anymore!

You may not believe that it's been quite a while that I've got answer from UMass Amherst but I haven't checked it yet!!!

Not even checking the answer to my application is what? Weird? Stupid?

Who the heck am I?!

Where am I?

What am I thinking?!

Am I thinking at all?

I don't wanna do a phd anymore, but why? why? After these many years!!!

I just know I must have a problem!